What do you do when your husband is not the Christian man you hoped he would be? How do you handle the disappointment and heartache of being married to someone who is not a good Christian?
When Your Husband’s Not A Good Christian
The topic of a husband who is not a good Christian came to me after spending too much time on social media.
In many of the Christian groups I belong to I would see women posting again and again about how their husband or marriage is struggling with something and they would conclude their post by saying their husband is not a good Christian.
After way too many hours on social media I noticed that this pattern was popping up more and more in various posts asking for advice, prayers, or just venting.
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The Pattern
Intro asking for advice/prayers + explanation of problem husband is having + some version of “I am disappointed that he is not the Christian leader I want for our kids”
At first I felt these men were all just horrible. How can you claim to be a Christian and do these things?! I would read the posts to my husband so he could join in with me in shock at how truly awful all these men were.
Somewhere down the rabbit hole I remembered that there are two sides to every story and noticed that in very few of these posts did a woman ever mention her own short-comings, struggles, or sin.
Today, after much prayer and reflection on my personal social media habits, I saw that most of these posts were victims of the green-eyed monster. The ugly trap of comparisons. That hidden (or not so hidden) devil lurking around all social media platforms, had reared its two-faced little head.
A pause here for something important…
There are women and men living in cycles of abuse in this world. That is horrible and heartbreaking and I ache for there to be more resources to help these individuals.
There are husbands (and wives) who truly are quite terrible people.
I hope you will be assured that these situations of abuse and true mistreatment are nowhere near the same realm of what I am discussing in this blog post. This post is about a different matter entirely and should in no way, shape, or form be misconstrued to apply to abusive and/or unhealthy situations.
My Husband’s Not A Good Christian
Full disclosure… I have absolutely had this thought about my own husband. I have thought, more than once, that my husband’s not a good Christian.
It’s true.
I have looked across the room and internally rolled my eyes at a choice he was making, something he was saying or doing, or even just a memory of something he had done recently and thought to myself that he is not being a “good” Christian.
Holy flipping PRIDE Batman!!!!
Talk about the pot calling the kettle black y’all. If ever there was a case of pointing out a speck in his eye when there was a massive BOULDER in my own.
It is 100% embarrassing to share this but it’s true and I think it is also important. Before I get too far into talking about women who lament the lack of Christian leadership I need to acknowledge that I have been that woman.
What Is A “Good” Christian
I think whenever we are dreaming up all of the ways our husbands (or children, parents, friends, etc…) are missing the mark the first thing we need to do is figure out where the mark is and if hitting it is even attainable. What does it mean to be a good Christian? How do I know that my husband’s not a good Christian?
Let me explain this using houses instead of husbands.
If you are looking around your home and find yourself dissatisfied with what you see then the first step is to figure out where your home is “missing the mark”. What is the ideal end goal or the “perfect” home?
My perfect home has a wrap around front porch, a mud room, is located on tons of land that my engineer husband obviously raises cattle on, is basically in the middle of nowhere but also still gets next day Prime deliveries, has a killer wifi signal, and we have awesome homeschool co-ops and an active church in the community that is forever away but also not too far away. Oh and there is also a Costco, no snakes or spiders, maybe a screened in porch, definitely a jacuzzi tub that someone else cleans, and is an older home with worn wood flooring but also has all the new fancy gadgets found in brand new builds.
If you think I am being silly I assure you I’m not. This is the DREAM!!! Or at the very least it is MY dream.
Reading about my dream home I am sure that you see how completely unattainable it is. (Le sigh…)
This dream home is similar to your dream husband.
What are all the things you are wanting him to be? Make a list. Truly sit down and make a list.
Is he romance book level good in bed? Does he lead family devotionals? Does he have a different career? Is he always making good choices or does he have a bit of a bad boy streak? Can he sing? Is he adventurous or a homebody or heck why not both? In what ways is he a good Christian? In what ways is he a bad one?
Chances are if you are honest with yourself and really take the time to write out your list you will quickly see why some of this is unattainable. It’s the same way I cannot live on a ranch in the middle of nowhere while also being super close to Target. Your husband cannot dedicate all of his time to the church and all of his time to his family and have a lucrative career and… well you get the picture.
Sure, But He Could Still Improve
Even when you are not being completely unrealistic in your wants and goals for your husband it is true that he absolutely could use some improvement. I feel totally comfortable making this claim without even meeting the man in person because we ALL have areas that we need growth and improvement.
The catch here is that word “ALL”. All includes me and all includes you too. We all have areas in our life that need improvement. If my husband compared me to the Proverbs 31 woman he would find a landslide of areas where I need to improve and do better.
What Makes A Good Husband?
When you are thinking your husband’s not a good Christian what kind of measuring stick are you using?
If you say your husband’s not a good Christian what are you comparing him to? Are you using Biblical outlines of Christian leadership in marriage? Do specific scriptures or passages of the Bible come to mind?
Maybe it is not parts of the Bible that come to mind but rather an image. It could be an image of your pastor and his family all beautifully dressed and smiling at the front of the church. Perhaps it is an image shared on social media of family devotionals, a video where you hear how a man is praying over his children, or a story you heard about a family that memorizes scripture together.
It is not wrong or bad to want your family to share in devotionals, prayer, or scripture. But when you are comparing your husband to the highlight reels of other men he will always come up short. That is not fair nor is it what God calls us to as Christian wives. We need to uphold our end of the deal as well.
How To Help When Your Husband’s Not A Good Christian
If you do not see eye to eye on what things he should change then let me ask…
Who knows your husband better- you or God?
Do you see your husband’s heart better- or does God?
Are you better equipped to help your husband improve- or is God?
and most importantly…
Do you trust God to convict your husband where he needs conviction?
Do you trust God to have given you the exact husband and children that He did for a reason?
Does God think your husband’s a good Christian?
Before you think that I am trying to shame you please hear me this. I frequently struggle with trusting God. I’m sure that is not something I am supposed to admit but nevertheless it is true and honest. A lot the time I just do not want to trust God.
I want to be in control and usually think my way is best. Most of the time I believe that God should just agree with me.
I struggle with trust and faith that God’s way is the best way.
So what do we do?
Pray!
Pray scripture over your husband and children.
For God to change your heart.
Prayers for God to help you love and enjoy the husband you have rather than the husband you wish you had.
If there are areas you feel strongly that your husband needs to change in then give them over to God. It is okay to honestly communicate those things to your husband. Try to not let it become a point of conflict in your marriage. (Again, let me reiterate that we are NOT talking about hurtful or abusive behaviors here)
Read scripturally sound books about marriage and better yet read scripture.
Study what scripture says about a Christian wife and work towards that goal for yourself.
Take a well deserved break from social media. Log off.
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